Reading that portion, and knowing my own idealism and romanticism about marriage (yet, thankfully, something that had begun to change in my heart over the past two years as i have lived with several Christian couples and seen how marriage really works), i knew this was a book that i needed to read. From a young age, i was certain that i wanted to be a wife and mom someday, but it has only been in the past few years that i have discovered what that really entails. I used to think "If i marry the 'right man,' then we'll be perfectly compatible and live happily ever after, never having any major disagreements."
Stanley Hauerwas, ethics professor at Duke University, very aptly points this out (quoted in chapter one of the book), "The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same people after we have entered it. The primary problem is...learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married."
After sharing with a few folks that i had started reading this book, i immediately got so much positive feedback from several married couples that "of all the marriage books we've read, the Keller's is the best!" Now, having finished it, this is very easy to understand. I know it's one i will come back to again and again, and trust that when i am engaged someday and then married, my husband and i will read together and continue to learn and grow from.
In the introduction, the authors talk about how this is a book not only for married people, but for singles as well. There are some of us singles that desire marriage too strongly, for the wrong reasons (self-fulfillment, anyone?); while, others do not desire marriage enough (prolonged adolescence, maybe). For anyone to enter into marriage, the proper idea and expectations must be there first. Otherwise, there will be extreme disappointment on both sides. So, what is marriage? What is the secret? How should we view it? Well, i'm glad you asked! :-) God is the one who instituted marriage, and in Ephesians 5, a beautiful picture is painted.
From page 48, "There, then, is the message of this book--that through marriage, 'the mystery of the gospel is unveiled.' Marriage is a major vehicle for the gospel's remaking of your heart from the inside out and your life from the ground up. The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us."
The Kellers begin by talking about the Power for Marriage, which is of course the Holy Spirit living in us as followers of Christ. To be able to live and love and serve someone else, we cannot do this in our own strength. Maybe for a while, but eventually, when the hard times come, or just the little annoyances build up, there will be trouble and anger and disappointment. When we are empowered by the Holy Spirit, we can face our problems head on. We can see our self-centeredness and the wounds we have brought with us from our pasts. The way we were raised, the way our parent's marriage worked, these things influence us more often than we realize. This is much expounded on in the book, and i greatly appreciate the gracious, yet honest, tone, the Kellers write with.
Some of my favorite quotes...(on the topic of friendship in marriage) "In response to being alone, God created what the text calls an 'ezer, a word that means a 'helper-companion,' a friend. When the man sees the woman, he responds in poetry. 'At last!' he says. 'This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh!' Some have proposed that he is saying, 'Meeting you fills a void in me.' And so we see that, in the beginning, God gave the man a companion to be his spouse...There are two features of real friendship--constancy and transparency. Real friends always let you in, and they never let you down. A writer once described a relationship that united these two things. She spoke of: 'the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person--having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.'"
And further on in the same chapter, "What, then, is marriage for? It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us. The common horizon husband and wife look toward is the Throne, and the holy, spotless, and blameless nature we will have. I can think of no more powerful common horizon that that, and that is why putting a Christian friendship at the heart of a marriage relationship can lift it to a level that no other vision for marriage approaches...Within this Christian vision for marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, 'I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be a part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, "I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!"'...most people, when they are looking for a spouse, are looking for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. Not so you can create the kind of person you want, but rather because you see what kind of person Jesus is making."
One of my favorite chapters is titled, "Loving the Stranger," where we learn about the changes that we all go through as humans, especially when living with someone else. "The in-love experience passes when the flaws in the other person come home to us. Things that seemed small and inconsequential now loom large. We begin to feel that we did not really know the person after all.And this presents us with the challenge of loving a person who, at the moment, seems in large part a stranger, not the person you remember marrying...What if you began your marriage understanding its purpose as spiritual friendship for the journey to the new creation? What if you expected marriage to be about helping each other grow out of your sins and flaws and into the new self God is creating? Then you will actually be expecting the 'stranger' season, and when you come to one you will roll up your sleeves and get to work...The merged life of marriage brings you into the closest, most inescapable contact with another person possible. And that means not only that you see each other close up, but that you are forced to deal with the flaws and sins of one another."
One of my favorite quotes: "The power of healing love in marriage is a miniature version of the same power that Jesus has with us. In Christ, God sees us as righteous, holy, and beautiful (2 Corinthians 5:21). The world tells us about our faults, and we know they are there, but God's love for us covers our sins and continues despite them. So Jesus has the ability to overcome anything anyone has ever said about or to you. In a Christian marriage, you're living that out in miniature. Sometimes your spouse points you directly to Jesus's love. Sometimes your spouse's affirmation imitates Jesus's love and stimulates us to more fully believe and accept the love we have in Christ. So, more than any other human relationship, marriage has a unique power to heal all hurts and convince us of our own distinctive worth and beauty."
"One of the most basic skills in marriage is the ability to tell the straight, unvarnished truth about what your spouse as done--and then, completely, unself-righteously, and joyously express forgiveness without a shred of superiority, without making the other person feel small. This does not mean you cannot express anger. In fact, if you never express anger, your truth-telling probably won't sink in. But forgiving grace must always be present, and if it is, it will, like salt in meat, keep the anger from going bad...But speaking the truth in love requires not just emotional humility but also 'emotional wealth,' a fundamental inner joy and confidence. If you are very down on yourself, if you struggle with self-loathing, then it may be far too important for you to have your spouse always pleased with you. You will not be able to bear to have your spouse upset with you at all, and that will mean you will not be able to criticize your spouse or explain how much he or she hurt you. You won't be able to confront and forgive."
I will close with a section from the chapter on Singleness and Marriage. After laying a good foundation of what are good and bad reasons for remaining single, and also talking about times when marriage should and should not be sought, true attraction is discussed. If there is a desire for a true and godly marriage, what should we be looking for? The Kellers describe it as "'comprehensive attraction.' What is that? Partly it is being attracted to the person's 'character' or spiritual fruit. Early American philosopher Jonathan Edwards said that the 'true virtue' in any person--contentment, peace, and joy from the gospel--is beautiful. We have been exploring marriage as a means to help one another become the glorious, unique persons God is making us. Marriage partners can say, 'I see what you are becoming and what you will be (even though, frankly, you aren't there yet). The flashes of your future attract me.'
"Ultimately, your marriage partner should be part of what could be called your 'mythos.' C.S. Lewis spoke of a 'secret thread' that unites every person's favorite books, music, places, or pastimes. Certain things trigger an 'inconsolable longing' that gets you in touch with the Joy that is God....everyone has something that moves them so that they long for heaven or the future kingdom of God. Sometimes you will meet a person who so shares the same mythos thread with you that he or she becomes part of the thread itself. This is very hard to describe, obviously. This is the kind of comprehensive attraction you should look for in a future partner. So many people choose their marriage partner on the basis of looks and money--rather than on character, mission, future self, and mythos--that they often find themselves married to a person they don't really respect that much." I don't know about you, but i want to respect my future husband more than anyone else i know.
~~Highly recommended. (Published by Dutton, 2011)
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